Lawyers

The lawyer's creed:  No man is guilty until proven broke.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his a__.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance

Q: What's brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will drop off when its victim dies.

Q: What is the difference between a flea and a lawyer?
A: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you. The other is a small insect.

In all fairness to those in the legal profession it's that 99% of the lawyers that give all the rest a bad name.

Nevada Hunting Season and Bag Limits on Attorneys:

1. Any person harvesting attorneys must have a valid Nevada hunting license.
2. Attorneys may be taken with traps, but currency may not be used as bait.
3. Attorneys may not be hunted with a motorized vehicle. If one is accidentally struck, move the carcass to the side of the road and proceed immediately to a car wash.
4. It is unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance" or "free scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
5. It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW or Mercedes dealerships.
6. If is unlawful to disguise yourself as a drug dealer, reporter, female law clerk, whiplash victim, chiropractor, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

Special note: There is no season, no limit on narcotics dealer's attorneys.

Why Ask Why?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

One Liners to Ponder

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Department of Redundancy Department
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
• Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
• Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
• How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
• How do I set a laser printer on stun?

25 Things to do in a Public Restroom

• Compliment people on their shoes.
• Introduce yourself and strike up a conversation with your next door "neighbor." Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
• Provide 'strenuous' sound effects.
• Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR bowl.
• Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
• Simulate a drug deal.
• Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
• Start a sing-a-long.
• Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy.
• Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
• Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
• Say "Oops... missed" while pouring water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.
• Fake an orgasm.
• Ask, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
• Ask whether anyone has seen your pet python.
• Put Saran Wrap over the toilet bowl.
• Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sandpaper.
• Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
• Put Goldfish in the toilet bowl.
• Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
• Place signs warning of 24-hour video surveillance.
• Make stall doors lockable only from the outside.
• Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
• Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
• Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.

Important Sayings You Can't Live Without

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
• Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

New Uses for Duct Tape

For the car:
Hold up that car window that fell off the track.
Tape the car door shut when the latch breaks.
Hold car hood shut
Use to cover up the rust spots on your car. Can hold the entire rocker panel in place.
Cover the annoying "check engine" light that won't go out.
Use to hold luggage on top of your car if you don't have a roof rack
Seat covers
If you're working on a car and cut yourself, use as a Band-Aid to keep the grease out.
Wrap that old socket swivel joint so it doesn't flop so much.
Use to write your own bumper stickers

Around the house:
Use as floppy disk labels.
Tape all the holes in your computer's case shut so the fan noise isn't so annoying.
Hang pictures and posters.
Patch the kids' wading pool.
Repair split paperback bookbindings.
Weather-strip windows and doors.
Use to get dried cat puke out of carpeting
Put strips in the bottom for a non-slip bathtub.
Twist a long piece into rope (hundreds more uses).
Hide unsightly wallpaper seams
Use as art medium.
Use in place of broken hinge on cabinet door
Wrap around newspaper to make a dog chew toy
Sealing chip bags
Use in place of vinyl flooring
Roofing shingles
Use anywhere you'd use Velcro.

Athletic uses:
Fix racquetball racquets.
Roll into a ball for hockey practice.
Tape ski boot to your ski when the binding breaks
Hold spikes to your cleats

For you:
Bind the hands and legs for bedroom bondage play
Repair broken sandals
Substitute nail polish remover
Tape up the kids for an emergency baby sitter.
When doing yard work (shoveling, raking, etc.) put it on the areas likely to blister. Try not to get hair stuck to it.
Tape your fingers to avoid fingerprints.
Fold in half and use as bookmark
Toilet paper
Use to pull unsightly hair or blackheads.
If used correctly it can be a contraceptive device
Earrings
Girdle
Use to lift and separate when you don't want to wear a bra or can't have straps showing.
Eyeglasses repair
Make letter for letter jacket
Belt
Can be used in place of handcuffs
Remove lint from clothes
Duct tape your luggage shut to prevent baggage-handling mishaps

Essential Web Links for the Upwardly Mobile Yuppie

• Expensive cars
• Expensive trucks
• Expensive watered down beer
• Expensive plastic guns
• Expensive sandals
• Expensive coffee
• Expensive flannel shirts
• Expensive smokes
• Dead Heads
• Skiing is old wave
• Getting your California real estate license
• Getting your stock broker's license
• Fake burgers
• Other fake food
• Tree hugging
• Politically Correct Education
• Trendy place to live
• Trendy wintertime vacation
• Trendy job

World's Shortest Books

• "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
• Human Rights Advances in China
• The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
• "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
• "To all the Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
• "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
• "The Secret to Staying Married" by Elizabeth Taylor
• Beauty Secrets of Janet Reno
• "How to Get to the Super Bowl" by Dan Marino
• "Down Hill Skiing Tips" by Sonny Bono
• "Night Flying" by JFK, Jr.
• "The Things I Can't Afford" by Bill Gates
• Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating
• "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
• Al Gore: The Wild Years
• Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
• America's Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities for History Majors
• Detroit: A Travel Guide
• Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
• Quality Management Techniques from Russia's Best CEO's
• Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! It's not that difficult!:-)*/
• Iraqi Tips on World Dominance
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Everything Women Know About Men
• Customer Service -- The French Way
• The Amish Phone Book
• The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Sayings about Chocolate - the first legal drug

• "Liquidum non frangit jejunum." ([chocolate] liquids, amongst them, do not constitute a break in fasting.), Cardinal Francis Maria Brancaccio of the Vatican, 1662
• I never met a chocolate I didn't like. Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation
• A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.
• There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.
• This guy found a bottle on the ocean, and he opened it and out popped a genie, and he gave him three wishes. The guy wished for a million dollars, and poof! there was a million dollars. Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! there was a convertible. And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... poof! he turned into a box of chocolates.
• Exercise is a dirty word... Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• Chocolate doesn't make the world go around ... but it certainly makes the ride worthwhile!
• Man cannot live on chocolate alone; but woman sure can.
• Simply put... everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!

What happens when different parts of the armed services encounter snakes:

Infantry: The snake smells them and leaves the area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Supply: Their anti-snake equipment is on backorder.

F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (it was too hot). Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake as cold-blooded snakes don't show
well on infra-red.

B-52 pilot: Kills snake and every other living thing within two miles.

Intelligence officer : Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active.
We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.